Dear Tarxin,
Robyrn tapped his pen on the table. It was always hard to start a letter, especially one like that.
How can you say something that is beyond words? How can you put words on something one cannot describe, something strong, noble, yet so fragile, at times.
I felt like writing would be the best way to tell you how I feel. I don’t know why, I guess I always was more of a secretive person, so words don’t really come to me easily…or, I say things wrong and I regret them half a second later. You know how I am.
Bluh. That was terrible. Sincere, but terrible. This letter was a trainwreck already.
Indeed, you know how I am. From the moment we met, it’s been obvious I was irresponsible, dangerous, and even stupid. From the moment we met, it should have been obvious you should have stepped away and ran away as far as you could. I took away what was yours for my own desire.
I was a fool.
Yeah, Robyrn didn’t really like to think about these sweeps spent in sopored vapors. Sadly, lucidity was a blessing, but also a curse in a way.
I was a fool, but I always cared about you. No matter how badly I did, never doubt the sincerity of my actions and the honesty of my words when I told you I pitied you.
The legislacerator tapped his pen on the table again. He didn’t know how to word these things…since they were horrible things to tell someone loved…at least, in his eyes, they were. These memories…were just…
I still think that I was not worthy of your pity at the time, and some nights, I wonder what I did to deserve you, despite all of the times I screamed at you to leave me alone, that I didn’t want you. Despite the times where I went crazy, and sook answers in blood, and in the end of the world. Despite the times where I ran away and looked for nothing, aside from exile. Despite the times where everything I wanted to do was to cut out my own heart and leave it out of my chest, thinking it would make me stronger. Despite these moments where I threatened your life with decisions, such as leaving you to die.
You died for me. You suffered and you always, always took me back hive.
Tap tap. The words were running away from him again.
Even when you shouldn’t have. Even when you should have told me never to come back. To leave you be, that you’d be happier with someone else. That you would not be the one for me.
I would have understood this.
When I asked you to marry me, to take my ring in exchange for your metal nut, I didn’t expect the bad to be this bad. I never expected this, and I never wanted this, because I pitied you. I still pity you.
And, most important of all, I love you.
A tear found its way on the sheet, soaking the paper and making the black ink bleed a little bit.
I never meant to make you cry. Even after all this time, after all these perigees together, I wonder what went through my head, for making you feel this way. To make you hurt.
Understanding why I did it would help me love you better. I could avoid these mistakes, this foolishness of mine…sadly, I don’t know. Sometimes, things just turn red in my head and I cannot see anything straight…was it my visions, the chucklevoodoos in my head?
Or was it me, jut me, putting hindrances in my own way because I take you for granted?
Another tear wet the paper, erasing a comma on its way.
One night, someone joked that no matter where, time, space we’d be, we’d try to find each other, like magnets. Soulmates, she said. That we were fated to meet anyway.
I don’t like the idea of this.
Catching his breath, he grabbed his pen tighter.
I don’t like the idea of fate guiding us to each other, because I didn’t let fate guide me to a matesprit. I chose you, and I chose you willingly. Not because I had to date you. Not because it’s destiny for us to be together.
Fate has nothing to do with this, it didn’t choose you. I’m the one that chose to be with you, for the past sweep, now, and for the sweeps to come.
Tap tap tap. Again. Robyrn bit the tip of the pen a little harder.
I want to be here for you. No matter what. No matter where. It doesn’t matter how, I just want to be there and keep you close to me because you made me change. You made me see things differently and I have the pretention to think it made me better.
And, no matter how many of the other “us” that find each other, I just hope they chose to be together on their own.
This is the best choice I have made. I regret nothing, and I hope that you don’t regret anything you did for me.
I love you, Tarxin
xoxoxox
